A little background. NOT being a California native, I bought a home that would give me the feeling I HAD ARRIVED. My home sits in the middle of a eucalyptus grove five minutes away from the Gourmet Ghetto  and fine dining, you know, stuff that makes living in the Bay Area the envy of anyone. Now the bad news: I live less than a mile away from the Hayward Fault. When the rains come, houses in my 'hood change their addresses to one street below, and when the high winds kick in, I am at the mercy of a eucalyptus tree's roots. Oh, yeah, firestorms.

Given that, I thought I'd do an earthquake readiness inventory .

• House bolted: check!
• Heater strapped: check!
• Flashlight: got two big Maglites and a gas lamp, double checked!
• Fire extinguisher: got that.
• Radio with battery: so far, so good.
• First aid kit: check (Neosporin expired).
• One week supply of water: does a case of Pellegrino count?
• Chlorine bleach: full gallon!
• Candles and matches: lemon scented, matches from Boulevard.
• Blankets: check.
• Sturdy shoes: can we say Imelda Marcos?
• Alternative source of cooking: sterno. Not bad, eh?

Final item: "One week supply of non-perishable food and a manual can opener." Being a kitchen goddess wannabe, I said, "Come on!" Got the can opener. And I do have a well-stocked liquor cabinet. Vodka doesn't go bad.

Uh-oh, more bad news: My pantry yielded 8 boxes of DRY pasta, 5 cans of whole tomatoes, strange condiments, a quart of maple syrup, coconut milk, and 15 chocolate bars. Wow, I can subsist on Asian fusion tomato coulis with a hint of Vermont! For a WEEK! Then what?

Conclusion: When the BIG ONE hits, my house will probably be upright. My water heater will stay still. And I will most likely perish from starvation (or emerge alive with the figure of Nicole Kidman).